I've got a pulse... and that's a great thing

Sometimes I feel most alive during intense moments of joy... on days when the sun shines brightly with a nice brisk breeze. And there are lots of smiles and laughter... and possibly some icecream. Times of completion and satisfaction... these are the days most of us covet. When we think of LIFE, this is what we tend to imagine.

But what about the things that scare us, the things that bring the possibility of disappointment, pain, or humiliation. Despite the fact that we wouldn't necessarily ask for them, we have to admit that sometimes tears and humility, intense fear and utter failure also have a way of reminding us that the blood is still pumping.

Its kind of funny that this concept has been so heavy on my heart recently because...

...this week I failed. I've been running at a pretty fast pace for a while... and this week I tripped up. To be honest, it felt more like someone threw a stick infront of me causing me to faceplant into the concrete.

Regardless, it hurt. And I cried. And I yelled. And I questioned. And I doubted my abilities and His choice to use such a broken and incapable vessel to accomplish anything. I had to take a step back and regroup... reassessing my responsibilities and re-evaluating my priorities.

I wanted out though. One small setback was enough for me to consider throwing in the towel. In short, I wanted to be pregnant (let me explain)....because it seems that the cool thing to do at work is get pregnant, go on maternity leave, and never come back. To put it simply (and more appropriately), I wanted a reason to quit.

But I didn't have one. And I certainly didn't have permission to use professional burn-out as an excuse for starting a family (sorry, mom:)

So I regrouped, made some changes, pulled back, and pressed on, thankful for the encouragement of my concerned friends and family.

Had some quality time with the Father. He helped me to remember that disappointment is a byproduct of risking.

And falling, a byproduct of living.

And I'd rather live, even if it means hitting a wall and having to regroup, than be satisfied with a life saturated with the comfortable and mundane.

My life is still an adventure. In times of rest, my lungs are filled by His breath and His words speak life into me. When its time to run, I really run, praying that His anointing covers my most daunting tasks. I haven't figured out this balance yet...Im trying, but its really difficult.

But thank God mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13)